Sometimes you just don’t make good decisions, and lately I’ve been wallowing in the past.  I mean, I try to set goals like most like most good people, but it’s not always the right plan.  I’ve just never had all the answers, and thankfully, I’m pretty good at remembering that.

I have written hundreds of posts on this blog and most have been positive words about training or life.  I spent the entire year surrounded by inspiring people that helped get me to new levels.  But now, I am questioning what those levels mean.

My goal was to simply finish an Ironman, but as it neared I secretly thought I could not only complete it, but do it in 11 hours and 30 minutes.  I came close, and it felt like one of the most rewarding days of my life when I crossed that finish line, but for the months that followed, many of my days seemed empty.

Many of my nights in November and December were consumed by staring at the ceiling wondering why I was doing this.  Why would I put my body and mind through such a grueling exercise?  What was the point?

Even as recent as two days ago I contemplated whether or not this quest for Ironman was something I really wanted.  I already did one.  A major feat indeed.  But what would motivate me this time?

Part of me has been using Kona as a motivator.  Just push yourself to qualify for Ironman World Championships, Mike.  THAT will make you happy.

Last night I sat in meditation and just listened to the noise swirling around me.  All of the crap that wears you down on a daily basis.  Slowly, that noise gave way to peace.  To a higher plane of thought, filled with empty space, and ready to accept truth.

I moved past the materialism, fame, and goals to make room for something real.

I sat, patiently, not thinking about anything, only listening.  After some time, the only concept that spawned in my mind was “purpose.”  What is my purpose?

Ahh, that old question.  But this time, I saw it from a new perspective.  It wasn’t something like save the world, become a prophet, or famous filmmaker, it was simply this:  Live every day with your mind centered on the greater good.

That’s it.  No more goals or grand visions.  Simply be.  And be better the next day.  I can’t control my world, so why not be a vessel for a universal energy much grander than myself.

Most of my life I have tried to control my environment.  To influence people and shape their opinions of me, but it never worked, and never made me happy.  My life strategy was a huge mistake.

This is a major breakthrough, not only for daily living, but for the Ironman dream that won’t die.  I spent much of the night thinking about how this would impact another year of training and it made the thought of another Ironman less daunting . . . and a lot more enjoyable.

So, I will continue to train, but with an even greater awareness of my body and mind.  What feels right and feeds my purpose.  Thankfully I don’t have to make a decision about Louisville yet, so it may or may not happen.  And, you know what?  I’m cool with either outcome.

If new seeds dry out and die, let them blow away.

I've Made a Huge Mistake

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