ironman anxiety

August 21, 2014

3 Days Until Ironman Louisville . . . and No Job

Today, a crazy stillness overtook me. The calm before . . . the fire.

It started while I was sitting around doing video work this morning and had an insatiable urge to go swimming. I put up zero resistence.

I warmed up, then glided easily for about 600 meters to simulate the start of Ironman Louisville. Settling into my race will be priority number one. I don’t want to be breathing heavily by the time I turn to go down stream. No matter how slow my pace.

I did a few more 200’s, then casually ascended to land before climbing the stairs to the roof pool. I soaked in the sun like a monk in meditation.

Later, I ran into a guy I used to work with, and that’s when it hit me, “I am finally turning into myself again.”

I worked in local television news for nearly 15 years and, for the most part, dreaded every day. Sad, I know.

Nothing about it agreed with my flow. The karma of negative news, the corporate environment, the regimented and endless deadlines. It just keeps going. You are never done. Even a ridiculously long race like Ironman has a finish line.

By now it was noon and I had nothing but loose plans like packing for Louisville and finishing a video edit. But I had all day and night to do them. It was my decision as to when they would get done. It was the freedom I have missed and cherished for so many years.

Today was the first day that I literally felt anxiety melting from my body. It may have had something to do with the heat, but I’m pretty sure it was the realization that I am finally on the path I have wanted for my life.

Don’t get me wrong, Ironman has its own way of stirring the anxiety pot, and I can certainly feel it bubbling. It has been a continual source of stimulation and a great amount of fear. But somehow knowing I have a different life waiting after Ironman is a tremendous relief.

I know the release will help me on some way this Sunday. I may not be in the shape I want to be in, but I can feel my mental pendulum swinging the right direction. In the last two days I have let go a lot of premature goals that are out of my control and let myself be at peace with a race I have obsessed about for months.

This race will not define me. It is simply something I want to do because it is taking me in the right direction. Forward and free.

August 18, 2014

5 Days Until Ironman Louisville #IMLOU

Last year I went to watch Louisville two weeks before I did my first Ironman and it did two things:

1. Pumped me up beyond belief. There is nothing like watching an Ironman.

2. Scared the living crap out of me.

It was the second time I spectated IM Louisville and both times I have loved every minute of it. It’s in a great downtown setting, the waterfront is awesome, and the energy of over 2,000 athletes is incredible.

The pre-race energy really got me going. I even rode the first 12 miles or so (and back) of the bike course and tasted the first climb. I remember thinking how much I liked the river view as I rode.

The Swim Start is electric. The music, the nervous energy, the friends and family all watching as one by one future Ironmen jump into the abyss.

The weather is beautiful at that hour, but as the day rolls on, you begin to meet the Devil. The mighty Louisville rises and it takes its toll on everyone.

The first loop through LaGrange offers a lot of excited bikers, but stay long enough and the faces change. The smiles become introspection as cyclists tuck deeper into their shell, searching for any form of aerodynamic that will get them back home.

You scramble for shade, just to watch, then drive in air conditioning back to the Bike Exit where the carnage becomes clear.

And the run… oh, the run.

I was absolutely shocked the first time I watched and it seemed like damn near every one in that race was walking on the first loop. And the second time was no different. Throngs of lycra covered men and women taking a Sunday afternoon stroll on the Louisville Streets.

It was like a car wreck, and I couldn’t turn away. Would that be me? Will that be me?

You think you’ve trained enough, but could all these people be wrong? They all trained, probably more than me. For the week after that race, I was genuinely psyched out about going to Wisconsin. I thought I was doomed.

Eventually I forgot the faces in Louisville and got down to work. The race has nothing to do with anyone else, it all comes down to what you have inside.

Hundreds of pre-mature calculations suddenly didn’t matter. It was me against the course.

And something strange happened that morning of the race. I stood in that swim line fearless.

It’s really the same as most things in life. The anticipated anxiety is always worse than the reality of the event.

Hundreds of thousands have done the same thing we are about to do on Sunday. They have worried endlessly, they have wrestled in their sleep the night before, then . . . they have gone out and finished an Ironman on their terms.

August 18, 2014

6 Days Until Ironman Louisville #IMLOU

One week from this very moment I hope to be sitting at that Irish Pub next to the Ironman Louisville finish line, covered in salt, sharing war stories with my friends and family. I haven’t been having the same bouts of anxiety I did with my first Ironman, but the tension is building fast. This week I have one absolute goal: relax.

It’s not going to be easy.

Every time I close my eyes, my mind drifts to one of three places. That leap into the Ohio River, that first stretch of River Road, or mile one of that downtown run. It’s like a broken record and it won’t stop.

Whether or not I’ve done all I can to prepare for this race is no longer the question, I have done all I can. Now, my job is to rest and relax . . . not cut my hand again trying to install a dog door.

I’ve been here one other time and there is an insane desire to continually prove to yourself that you’re ready. I went out on the bike today for an EASY hour ride and I was in a continual tug of war with my ego.

EGO: Prove to yourself you have the speed and power, Mike!”
ME: FU . . . I’m just moving my legs and recovering.
EGO: Come on man, if you show me something now, I will let you rest easier tonight.
ME: Hmm . . . tempting.
EGO: For real, man. Let’s get rid of ALL doubt, right now. Stretch it out . . . blow this ride away!
ME: (starts crying)

So I have to let go of the ego. Never trust that SOB because he wants everything now. Ego is what Steven Pressfield calls “Resistance.” A very real and omnipresent force that continually tries to throw you off your game.

The race is in 6 Days and the only thing I can do now is make it harder by doing something stupid. It’s going to be hard enough.

I will do a few very light swims and maybe a couple easy rides. Other than that I will try to eat well, hydrate, rest. . . and take my chances.

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